Ok, so I found out there's another College called Aspire College so thought it best to change the name of my new Alternatives Theme Set, showed it to a group of colleagues and said "first word that comes into your head?" and the best answer was Aardvark.
So meet Aardvark, my new Theme Set. It's still in Alpha so don't go installing it in places it might do damage, not that it should, I've tried it on a production site, but I don't want you blaming me if it's buggy.
The good news is that the PHP issue has been solved, no one got back to me so I just knuckled down and played with all the possible variants I could come up with while I was waiting for the dentist and BOOM, it works! So you will now have a "You are not logged in" message and login fields when logged out, and it will say your name and give you lovely "language non-specific" options.
Gosh I've been busy. So here it is, please give me any feedback, let me know which areas need work, etc. And hopefully I will have a full working copy by the end of the week or some time early August if there's too much